Men have bigger vaginas

As the day approaches I have started feeling a bit more anxious about it.  Before I was calm about it, almost too calm.  Now I’m starting to realize that I’m a little scared.  I’m not scared the way most would think.  I’m scared because its really playing with my biggest fear – being debilitated.  If I cannot run, lift, yoga, surf, spin… I will just absolutely burst!  I have so much energy that sometimes it’s hard for me to figure out what the fuck to do with it.  It’s honestly one of my favorite things about myself, but it can really get in the way sometimes.  When I’m grumpy my husband will say “why don’t you go run or something?” and I’m sure you can all imagine how well that plays out… until I get back from my run and thank him for being a twat.

I was telling my husband about my anxiousness in the kitchen this afternoon and we started talking about the recovery.  His answer to me was “yeah, well when I got my balls snipped..” Ummm, what the fuck, you are telling me what now? Now I must preface all of this by saying that he was joking (he is not suicidal).  My husband knows he suffers from having a mangina, and I like to remind him of that any time he sneezes and thinks he is dying. Now all of you men out there who want to complain about your outpatient surgery where you have to ice your nuts for a day (I know at least two of you who will read this… you know who you are) I just have one thing to say to you… stop your bitching!  It’s the least you could do for your woman after the many years of her taking the pill, getting an IUD (OUCH!), taking the morning after pill, bleeding once a month for 7 days (and not dying) for most of her life.  Oh, and for having your babies.  Our bodies will never be the same.  But yea, a little snip and a day of ice is an awful lot to ask of you.  I’ll say it from all of us women – Sorry, not sorry.

Now there really is no question as to who is the tougher sex.  It’s been clear since the inception of man when Eve was the only one ballsy enough to eat the damn apple.  And the truth is, the human race would cease to exist if men were the ones who had to carry and deliver babies.  Dear lord, can you imagine a man on the rag?  I’m sure us women would have to take our tough men to the hospital every month as they claim something must be horribly wrong, and how this feeling can’t at all be normal.  But we would know better, as we always do.  And we would likely have the day marked off on the calendar, the car gassed up and a fucking flask already packed in preparation to mask our eye rolls with smiles and slurs.

So I guess the creator had it right from the start… women should carry the children, ovulate, not be a pussy when they are sick, and just overall know how to suck it up.  In my personal opinion, if there is any truth to this Adam and Eve story, the bible got the interpretation wrong.  Truth is, God put the apples on the tree as a test, but not in the way we think.  I bet God said “alright, I’m going to put this tree there and tell them it’s forbidden, and the one who is tough enough to question this is who I’m betting on for the future of this race”.  So thanks for the faith in us, God.  You done good.  As it was so eloquently put in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, “you chose wisely”.  Thanks for the vagina and being omniscient enough to know that Adams was bigger.


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